The Many Types of Dog Walk
You clip the lead on.
Step outside.
And set off for a “quick walk”.
Except dog walks are never quick.
They fall into types.
Over the years, we’ve realised dog owners are all living slightly different versions of the same strange life.
Here are a few we’ve observed ourselves.
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1. The “you said walk, not home” walk
You turn for the house.
They plant their feet.
Suddenly your dog becomes an immovable object fuelled entirely by stubbornness
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2. The “I’ve found something disgusting and I love it” walk
You shout “leave it”.
They hear “eat faster”.
No dog has ever looked prouder than one carrying something deeply offensive in its mouth.
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3. The “I’ve made a new best friend” walk
Another dog appears.
Your dog acts like they’ve known them since puppyhood.
You stand there holding two leads and a stranger’s life story.
4. The “mysterious sudden limp” walk
You panic.
Examine the paw.
Offer sympathy.
Limp disappears instantly.
Medical miracle.
5. The “you brought treats, didn’t you?” walk
The pocket stare.
A: You reveal the treats.
You win.
B: You avoid eye contact.
And keep walking.
Lose.
You delivered.
Hundreds came in.
Here are some favourites.
The “this is not a walk” walk
“This is not a walk. It’s a detailed sniffing session.”
Robin
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The “you carry me” walk
My mini dachshund Brandy decided that because it was ever so slightly ✨damp✨ under foot, I had to carry her for at least half the walk.
I should add…
It wasn’t raining.
Heather, Bella & Brandy
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The “weekend route SHALL be walked” walk
He knows it’s Saturday.
He pulls close to the wall to make sure we do the longer route.
Thou shall not cross the road and make it just 30 minutes.
No no stupid humans.
I let you sleep in for 15 more minutes.
Therefore the weekend route SHALL be walked!!
Justine
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The “you forgot my chariot” walk
When the lazy one wants the pushcart meant for his disabled brother.
Absolutely no shame.
Louise, Ozzy, Woody, Maisie & Phoebe
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The “shall we just pop in?” walk
Route takes us past a friend’s house.
Somebody starts heading down the path.
“Sorry, we haven’t got time today.”
One hour later…
Coffee drunk.
Dog fuss completed.
Still there.
Jo & Alfie the Yorkie
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The “mud puddle” walk
Dog starts sniffing innocently.
Then suddenly makes a beeline for the muddiest puddle imaginable.
Head dives into it.
Slides along on its side.
Turns from white to brown.
Meanwhile I’m thanking god for the zip-up towel bag protecting the cream leather seats in my car.
Emma
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And finally…
The “special forces” walk
A stealth exercise worthy of special forces.
Rex is terrified of other dogs, so there were detours, hiding behind cars and tactical turnarounds all over the place.
One dog took us by surprise though.
Total meltdown.
He’s now recovered with a snuffle mat, some W’ZIS and a nap on the bed.
Sue & Rex
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We’ve realised one thing through all of this:
Nobody walks a dog quickly.
Ever.
And honestly, that’s probably the point.
Fresh air.
Quiet head.
Happy dog.
W’ZIS
Never dull. Never brown. Never bone-shaped.
PS. We’re still collecting walk types.
Share your walk
Because somewhere out there, a dog is currently pretending not to hear the word “home”.
